KINGSMAN: A Good Popcorn Picture Until The Popcorn Runs Out

Now playing at a multiplex near you:

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE

(Dir. Matthew Vaughn, 2014) 

In Matthew Vaughn�s fifth film, an adaptation of a graphic novel series by Dave Gibbons and Mark Millar, the writer/director outfits the world of James Bond in the cartoonish formula of his KICK ASS films. That is to say, there�s a lot of stylized violence with a high body count, a ton of glib one-liners, and constant attempts at meta-commentary.

A suave, dapper Colin Firth (when is he not suave and dapper?) stars as gentleman spy Harry Hart (codename: Galahad), a member of �an independent, international, international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion.� Firth is well cast as the mannered British badass, and at first, especially in a scene where he lays out a bunch of brutal youths in a pub, it's a blast to see him in the part.

The slick scenario concerns Firth�s Hart recruiting Taron Egerton as Eggsy, the son of one of his late colleagues, for the elite squad, but first the young London street-tough has to compete with a bunch of smug, better-bred candidates, and, of course, one friendly female (Sophie Cookson), for the same position.

A lisping Samuel L. Jackson plays the super villain they�re training to defeat, an internet billionaire named Richmond Valentine who�s planning on wiping out most of the world�s population through a mind-controlling cellphone app.

For roughly half of this film�s running time I was going along with its poppy charm, but a scene in which Firth, affected by the villain�s violence-inducing app, goes on a murderous rampage and slaughters a church full of hate-spewing, redneck fundamentalist Christians in Kentucky (clearly modeled on the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas) set to the four-minute guitar solo in Lynyrd Skynyrd's �Free Bird,� really lost me.

The in-your-face unfunniness there sadly set the tone for the rest of the film, which involves the customary infiltration of the enemy�s secret lair (located inside a snow-covered mountain), and much more gratuitous murder in the form of hundreds of heads exploding in the form of rainbow-colored fireworks.

None of this is as witty, clever, or exciting as it wants to be. James Bond satires, homages, or imitations have been around as long as the iconic series itself, and after the likes of Maxwell Smart, Derek Flint, Matt Helm, Johnny English, Austin Powers, and dozens of others have done it to death, KINGSMAN brings nothing new to the table.

Even CARS 2�s secret agent subplot that had Michael Caine voicing an Aston Martin had more Bondian bite than this. Caine is also on hand here as the head of the Kingsman, bringing a little gravitas to the proceedings but not much else. Also along for the ride is Sofia Boutella as Jackson�s henchwoman Gazelle who has CGI-ed bionic blades for legs (one of the few entertaining elements on display), Mark Strong as the Kingman�s gadget and weapons specialist (you know, like Bond�s Q?), and Mark Hamill (yes, that Mark Hamill) as a British climate scientist that Jackson kidnaps early on.

It�s a fine cast, but Vaughn and frequent collaborator Jane Goldman�s screenplay isn�t equipped with enough flashy fun for a whole film. What starts out as a tongue-in-cheek spy comedy romp ends up resembling a rowdy kid just sticking its tongue out at these well worn conventions. And that's about as funny as Jackson's lisp, which sure didn't make me laugh.

KINGSMAN is only a good popcorn picture until the popcorn runs out - the cringe-worthy church scene being where that happened for me.

More later...

The MovieBob Post-Escapist FAQ (UPDATED with Patreon info!)

UPDATE: Right up top, here's the link to the Brand New MOVIEBOB PATREON!

So. Now that I've got myself some breathing room and some time, I thought I'd draft up a more comprehensive FAQ to answer your questions re: What's going on with me after Friday's sudden departure from The Escapist. Obviously, I can only answer questions that are mine too answer, so if you're looking for industry gossip... sorry, not here.

Anyway...


Why did you leave so suddenly?

Short answer: It wasn't really all that sudden. Again, I'm not here to talk about insider business stuff, but suffice it to say if you follow gaming websites you've likely noticed a lot of closures and consolidations among older magazine-style outlets along with an exodus of original content-producers to YouTube etc happening over the last few years so... draw your own conclusions.

As far as this pertains to me, I've been in the process of setting up new venues for my content (and new content as well) for awhile now, as you've seen with the impending end and reworking of the Game OverThinker franchise; and if you were to conclude based on that that I've been preparing for the possibility of this eventuality... well, like I said, draw your own conclusions.

So this wasn't a surprise?

The timing and completeness of it was, yes. Again, can't discuss internal business stuff, but my assumption had always been that if I were ever to need to transition away from my now-former outlet it would be a gradual thing - perhaps a reduction over time in overall workload.

To have it end all at once, after such a long partnership, was a shock to the system, deeply disappointing and (while the parting was indeed entirely amicable) has left me very shaken and terribly sad - I don't handle change very well, and earlier today I was having a conversation where the subject of movie screenings happening this week came up, and it took a moment for it to occur to me that I had no reason to care what the big movie for this weekend was going to be because there'd be no Escape to The Movies on Friday or ever again... and I don't mind telling you it was a mildly devastating moment to have creep up on me.

So that's it - no more MovieBob content at The Escapist?

Pretty much. There is (I believe) one more written column that was finished in advance that is yet to be published, but I have no idea if they intend to or not. But beyond that? Yes, this is the end: There will be no new Big Picture on Tuesday, no Agent Carter recap on Wednesday, no Escape to the Movies or Intermission on Friday, etc.

I don't know what happens to the backlog of episodes they already have, both on the site and on YouTube. I produced that content under contract, they own it, they can do what they wish with it.

Are you done with criticism?

No.

Can you elaborate on that?

Yes.

I am a film critic. That's my primary trade right now, what I've made my name in, and while it's not my ultimate life/career goal it's what I have right now and what I intend to keep doing. I also intend to keep writing, talking about news, blogging, making videos and everything else I did before.

Where can we find your reviews now?

Like I said before, I've been making moves toward expanding my number of outlets since before exiting The Escapist was ever a real concern, so it's possible you'll see me in a new regular spot on the web sooner than later. However, I have no intention of being married to only one outlet going forward and nothing is yet set in stone, so for now if I have reviews/opinions I'm burning to write you will likely find them posted directly to this blog. Video work, on the other hand...

Will Escape to The Movies be on YouTube now?

...sort of, probably. Here's the skinny: As the title implies, The Escapist owns the name and all the audio/visual regular pieces of Escape to The Movies. So if I wanted to put movie reviews in video form on YouTube, I can... they just won't use that title, those art-assets, etc. But the overall effect will likely be very similar in terms of content.

What about The Big Picture?

That one is a little trickier.

The thing about Big Picture was that it's "hook" was, "Here's what our opinionated movie-critic has to say about anything else he wants to talk about," so without a website to be a regular on or a fixed presence to be a side-dish to, it basically becomes a vlog (especially since The Escapist owns all of those art/assets, too.)

In other words, while I can near-guarantee that you'll see Big Picture-esque work from me in the near future, it will probably NOT be in the form of single regular weekly series. Rest assured, however, that I'm very much attached to some of BP's semi-regular features like "_____! Are! Weird" and "Schlocktober," and so long as I'm able I want to do more stuff like that I will (though the titles may end up being different - stay tuned on that front.)

Are you in financial trouble now?

Only in the sense that it is better to be employed than unemployed (though, believe it or not, I was always technically a freelancer for The Escapist - never a full employee). But no, I'm not going broke or falling apart here.

That having been said, if you're a fan whose ever felt compelled to hit up the PayPal Tip Jar on the righthand side of the blog or to buy a copy of Brick-By-Brick and haven't done so yet? Now would be a very good time, yes :)

Will there be a MovieBob Patreon?

Yes, and it's right here!

Admit it: The Escapist fired you over #GamerGate - right?

...Not that I know of? :)

In all seriousness, NO - I do not know or believe that to be the case and (without discussing things that are not for public discussion re: employment and contracts and such) have it on good authority that it is NOT the case. I'm aware that because of various things that went on at The Escapist when the GamerGate disaster was at it's initial peak it's perceived as being a "pro-GG" site in some quarters. As a freelancer, I really had no input into that and limited knowledge of upper-level business matters, but at best I would call that characterization incorrect and at worst very unfair.

Well, either way I'm upset that they let you go. Should I not go there anymore?

I don't want anyone to do that, and I cannot stress that point enough.

I've been retweeting a lot of well-wishers on Twitter whose wishes have included their opinion that The Escapist is no longer worth visiting or that they'll actively avoid patronizing the site because of my absence. I've done so because I appreciate the sentiment, because I want potential future employers to see the passion and dedication of the fanbase I can bring to them and - YES - because I happen to be both a little-bit pissed off and A LOT immature. Oh well.

But as I said on Twitter, I do not want (nor do I expect) any plurality of my fans to try to "punish" my now-former outlet. That's not only silly (if they were desperate not to lose a single one of my viewers, I'd still be working there) it potentially hurts a lot of good people. I'm touched that you'd leave a site just for me, but there are a lot of good people and content on The Escapist still (Critical Miss, LRR's Unskippable, Critical Intel, No Right Answer, etc) which very much need and deserve your traffic.

So as much as I appreciate the sentiment (and will continue to share it around on social media etc) please do not stop visiting a site (or start using adblock) as some kind of gesture to me. Seriously.

I know this great site you should totally try and move your content to - what can I do to help make that happen?

Tell me about it in the comments to this blog. Also, if you know an outlet is looking for people, by all means talk me up to them - every little bit helps ;)

I run a site and we'd like to talk to you about working with us. How do we get in touch with you?

BobChipman82@gmail.com - just to save some time, while I'm eager to hear from anyone in the business, right now I'm not in a position to entertain any "for exposure" offers. However, if you represent any conventions, public forums, podcasts etc and are looking for a speaker, guest, panelist, etc? Let's talk, regardless of what the arrangements might look like.

Are you just putting on a brave face? Will this really just turn out to be the end, and you'll be bagging groceries at Star Market in a month?

I guess we'll find out together. It's a shitty economy and a rough industry, and I frankly don't know anyone in it who's making what their worth for the work they put in from my perspective. I'm under no illusions that it won't be a rough go for awhile, or that I'm not unlikely to find similar security right away.

But I got where I am by working hard, cultivating a loyal fanbase, putting out content that I'm proud of and making an effort to adapt and survive in an ever-changing media landscape. It's not lost on me that my absence leaves a big hole in The Escapist's schedule and thus in the daily viewing of many people, nor that as I type this I'm getting well-wishes on Twitter from South America, Asia, the Middle-East, Europe, Australia - fans all over the world; and I keep in mind amid this that I got to this point starting from being picked up as a near-nobody posting videos to YouTube for kicks. If I can get to this point from there, there's no limit to where I can get to next.

And I'll be more than happy to have you all come along :)

All Good Things

So. Straight and to the point: What you may have heard already is true - I am no longer working for The Escapist. 

The last episode of ESCAPE TO THE MOVIES ran today (It's Kingsman, it's good) as did the last INTERMISSION.

I'll have more to say later (right now, I've an appointment to keep) but suffice it to say that I am devastated, heartbroken and quite upset by this turn of events, which came mostly as a surprise to me. I am grateful for the time I had there, for the platform that was afforded to me and - most of all - to my loyal fans and readers, who I hope will follow me to whatever venture comes next. And for those wondering: No, this has nothing to do with hashtags, "consumer revolts" or any other such nonsense - not that I expect that will keep the chattering class at bay in that regard, but facts are facts

I have several projects that are already in the offing, which I will now likely be announcing sooner or later. I'd ask anyone who hasn't already done so to please subscribe to my YouTube Channel.

I am where I am because of my fans, followers and viewers - I have not forgotten that, and will not. It's going to be a rough near-future, for this and a variety of other reasons, but I plan to emerge on the other side of it in better shape and ready for great new things. And I hope that you will join me there.

STILL ALICE: The Film Babble Blog Review

Now playing at art houses, and a few multiplexes near me:

STILL ALICE (Dirs. Richard Glatzer & Wash Westmoreland, 2014)

Julianne Moore is a front runner to win the Best Actress Oscar for her role as Alice Howland, a Columbia University linguistics professor diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease, in this touching, emotionally stirring drama opening today at an indie art house near you. 



As this is Moore's fifth Academy Award nomination, it does indeed feel like it�s her time, but she really deserves it as this the best work I�ve ever witnessed yet from the actress who hails from my home state.

We first meet Moore�s Alice, her research scientist hubby John (Alec Baldwin), and some of their family - their doctor son Tom (Hunter Parrish), lawyer daughter Anna (Kate Bosworth), and her nice-guy husband Charlie (Shane McRae) - as they are celebrating her 50th birthday at a posh New York restaurant. Except for a brief instance of confusion, Moore appears vibrant and happy among her loving spouse and grown-up, well to do children.

Then we see her giving a speech as a guest lecturer at UCLA, in which she blanks on a certain word. After she returns home, she panics because gets lost during her routine run around an area that�s normally well known to her, the Columbia campus.

These lapses of memory disturb Alice so fearing she has a brain tumor, she visits her Neurologist in serene scene that captures Alice in an unbroken close-up answering her unseen doctor�s questions. He asks her to have a loved one, her husband or a close relative accompany her the next time she comes in, but she doesn�t feel this is necessary when she returns.

The neurologist, now seen as Stephen Kunken (THE WOLF OF WALL STREET, The Affair), tells her that after tests, including a PET Scan, the symptoms sadly corroborate that she has early-onset Alzheimers, and the news hits Alice and her husband hard.

The shaken couple gather together their son and daughters, which also includes Kristen Stewart as the youngest, an aspiring Los Angeles-based actress, to tell them about their mother�s diagnosis, and to let them know that there�s a 50 percent chance that each of them could inherit the gene.

From there we experience Alice�s devastating progression into what she calls �hell� � �It feels like my brain is fucking dying!� A painful subplot has her recording an iBook video for her future self to find in which she gives instructions to swallow a bottle of pills in order to commit suicide.

A large portion of the film concerns the relationship between Moore�s Alice and Stewart�s Lydia. Now, I understand there�s lots of hate out there for Stewart, but having no bias myself (largely, I bet, from not having seen any of the TWILIGHT movies), I thought she did a really good, genuinely affective job here.

Early in the film it is established that Alice disapproves of her daughter�s decision to pursue acting. Later, when the mother�s mind is failing, she attends a play Lydia is performing in and when the family meets up after, Alice has forgotten that this woman she watched on stage is her daughter. Moore�s reaction, along with Stewart�s processing of what�s happening, when Bosworth informs her mother who she�s talking to is one of the most moving moments I�ve seen this last year on screen.

In another affecting scene, Alice tries to explain her ordeal to Lydia: �I�ve always been so defined by my intellect, my language, my articulation, and now sometimes I can see the words hanging in front of me and I can�t reach them and I don�t know who I am and I don�t know what I�m going to lose next.�

Based on the bestselling debut novel by Lisa Genova, STILL ALICE is not to be confused with any sort of Lifetime disease of the week TV movie melodrama. Directors/writers Richard Glatzer and Wash Westmoreland�s sharply written screenplay features a tightly crafted narrative with an intensely real feeling tone; there�s no schmaltzy sentiment, nor any pandering creepiness. Even Ilan Eshkeri�s spare score, mostly made of quiet piano tinkling, is tastefully unobtrusive.

Moore and Baldwin have displayed great chemistry as a couple before on Tina Fey's NBC sitcom 30 Rock, but they are real, fully fleshed out people here not those comic concoctions, and they are as convincing as can be. Baldwin braces himself for the worst with his wife�s predicament, with none of his trademark smugness present. It�s a soft spoken, and affectionate performance, that ranks with his best, albeit in a small sideline role to the tour de force that Moore delivers.

Although this year has other worthy candidates, including Marion Cotillard for TWO DAYS, ONE NIGHT and Reese Witherspoon for WILD, for what Moore pulls off in STILL ALICE, put me down for pulling for her to win.

More later...

Marvelous

You've heard the news, you already know the tune, might as well sing along�

Spider-Bro, Spider-Bro 
No more movies with Spider-Bro! 
Twilight hair, 
Mumbly mouth, 
Give my best to Brandon Routh! 
Goodbye, worst version of Spider-Man! 

Reboot sucked, 
Sequel worse! 
Failed so hard might have been cursed. 
Didn�t buy 
His or her 
Inconsistent characters. 
So sad, The Forgettable Spider-Man! 

Scripts so bad were a sin 
Even wrecked Uncle Ben! 
Stupid magical blood 
What the hell was with that!? 

Spider-Douche, Spider-Douche 
Smirking sk8-punk Spider-Douche 
Arad�s ox, 
Justly gored. 
Marvel�s gain but our reward

Hooray, Spidey�s been rescued from hacks! 
Next get Fantastic Four back! 
New day for Spider-Man!!!

Two Epic Fantasy Fails: JUPITER ASCENDING & SEVENTH SON

This last week hasn�t been a good one for me in the big ass 3D CGI-ed fantasy film dept. I had the displeasure of donning the annoying plastic glasses for screenings of two duds: The Wachowskis� newest sci-fi flick JUPITER ASCENDING, and Sergei Bodrov�s medieval adventure SEVENTH SON, both opening today at a multiplex near you.

Despite admiring the first MATRIX movie, and enjoying segments of CLOUD ATLAS (co-directed by Tom Tykwer), I can�t say I�m a big fan of The Wachowskis� canon. Yet I appreciate that they do have a distinct, undeniable vision, and the fact that their latest isn�t based on a book, graphic novel, video game, or any pre-existing entity of any kind did appeal to me.

But the story, involving Mila Kunis as Jupiter, a lowly maid scrubbing toilets in Chicago who learns that she�s alien royalty, never came together amid its strained set-pieces and overly talky passages.

Channing Tatum, sporting pointy ears and eyeliner as he�s a �splice� of wolf and man, plays Kunis� protector/love interest. Tatum, whose appearance reminds me of John Candy�s half man, half dog SPACEBALLS character, seems to not have completely shaken off his stoical Marc Shultz persona from FOXCATCHER, which leads to some charisma-less exchanges with Kunis.

Eddie Redmayne, Oscar nominee for his role as Stephen Hawking in THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING (itself nominated for Best Picture), plays the villain, Balem Abrasax, who wants to kill Kunis and harvest the earth � what else? The Wachowskis have surely taken a queue from STAR TREK in making their villain all Shakespearian, and Redmayne, whose every line of dialogue is either whispered or screamed, left no piece of scenery unchewed.

A centerpiece action sequence over the skyline of Chicago � Tatum has these anti-gravity boots you see � was one of the most cluttered and unexciting chases I�ve seen in a long time, and I�ve seen a lot of cluttered and unexciting chases in the last several years.

Sadly, The Wachowskis� effort here recalls the worst of sci-fi fantasy in film; the intergalactic cities, landscapes, and costumes are nearly identical to the imagery and aesthetics of the lame ass STAR WARS prequels, and the cosmically convoluted scenarios are straight out of the notorious king of sci-fi flops, BATTLEFIELD EARTH.



JUPITER ASCENDING is a generic looking space opera that is without gusto or invested invention. Worse of all, Kunis looks really bored. That might be me just projecting, because I know I sure was.

Now quick, before it leaves my brain, let me see what I remember of Bodrov�s SEVENTH SON, which I just saw last night but is evaporating rapidly. Based on Joseph Delaney�s young adult novel �The Spook�s Apprentice� (I can see why they changed that), the film stars newcomer (well, new to me) Ben Barnes as the seventh son of a seventh son who joins the grizzled Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges in another very �undude� later day role) in hunting down a witch queen played by an energetic but not entirely convincing Julianne Moore. Here�s hoping this misappropriation of her talents doesn�t overshadow her vastly more essential, and Oscar nominated work in STILL ALICE (opening in my area on Feb. 13th).

Now I love Bridges, and seeing him reunited with his BIG LEBOWSKI co-star Moore did give me a little bit of a charge, but his character, a crochety blend of Gandalf and Rooster Cogburn, isn�t very imaginatively written or acted. The old coot even mumbles �fuckin� witches� when exiting the room at one point. Maybe after winning the Oscar for TRUE GRIT, the guy decided he doesn't need to try anymore. Hence crap like R.I.P.D. and this.

Barnes, with his bedhead and spare stubble that makes him look like an indie rocker or a boyfriend on Girls, has little or zero presence. He blends into the background of battles with witches that turn into dragons, and is even upstaged by Bridges� ogre servant (John DeSantis).

Awful special effects, the badness of which is enhanced by the fiercely unnecessary 3D conversion; atrocious dialogue, sloppily edited swordplay, and incompetent pacing make SEVENTH SON a dreadful, dreary slog. Even their attempts to scare with random monsters, dragons, ghosts, and even a bear screaming right in-your-face didn�t keep me from almost nodding off.

So, that�s two genre pictures that really didn�t gel for me, getting released in the cinematic off season of February. As that�s roughly four hours of bloated CGI-saturated fantasy blather that I�m so glad is over, here�s hoping neither will be successful enough to spawn a sequel.

More later...

BIG PICTURE: American Sniper Sucks (And It's Okay To Admit That)

The Escapist : The Big Picture : American Sniper Sucks (And It's Okay To Admit That)